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Wow, thank you for the responses!
I am usually absolutely terrified at the prospect of even listening to my own recordings…often only forcing myself to listen to myself maybe 2-3 days after making an audio recording on my iPhone – and ONLY when its in a masterclass and I was asked by my professor gently to make a recording.
Of course, by this time you might have inferred that I am terrified of recording myself – perhaps it could be a baby step to do an audio recording on my iPhone??
On the other hand, I actually signed up for a Rubik’s Cube competition just a day or two before I bought the course – a competition as such requires competitors to solve a puzzle 5 times, as quickly as possible. I haven’t joined one in 5 years, which explains some form of rustiness – but as I mentioned, it was frustrating to not replicate my quicker solving timings on the competition stage. I knew absolutely that nothing was at stake (as I was not fast enough to win), but the “stress” I gave myself to better my competitive timings from five years back kind of caused the exact same symptoms I had on piano playing – inability to manipulate the cube as fast as I could in a non-competitive situation, and negative thoughts in general. Before the competition, I kinda experimented with beta-blockers – which actually made me sluggish, though my heart rate went down – and this further accentuated your point that even after taking the physical aspects of anxiety away, other aspects (in this case, proving to others and myself that I was much faster than I was 5 years ago!) still remained. So definitely no to beta-blockers in all situations in the future. At least.. the Rubik’s Cube competition has really, very negligible consequences on my musical career. But perhaps in the future if I have opportunities, I could participate in some more of these competitions to train my nerves? This could be an advantage that I could tap on, or perhaps a disadvantage if it distracts me too much from my piano work… haha.
Back to music making, I have to play my concerto in a masterclass in front of people in 2 days, and I hope that I can really apply the centering techniques I am in the process of learning!
Best,
N